


the wavering of oceans

by ashes_and_rose_petals



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, It Gets Worse, Kaworu didn't foresee this, Other, Shinji should be a boy but isn't
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-04-30 19:02:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5176160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashes_and_rose_petals/pseuds/ashes_and_rose_petals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinji Ikari was supposed to be a boy and was supposed to bring about Third Impact so Gendo could be with Yui again but it seems that nothing is everything and everything is anything, and anything never existed in the first place. As the world around Shinji begins going to hell in a finely crafted hand basket, things that should have remained buried come out into the open and the main instigation is one small act of love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Must (Not) Run

**Author's Note:**

> I should be writing for my other works but this has been on my computer for more than a year and I decided to have it out in the open now. The beginning excerpts are from Ride by Lana Del Rey, I just feel like it mixes well with this.
> 
> But let's start with the warning that when I mean it gets worse, I mean it. *Take a deep breath*

_My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean..._

/

She doesn’t remember too much other than the warmth of her mother as she hugs her and places a kiss on her forehead, “Be good and don’t let anyone know you’re a girl, okay darling?” she doesn’t understand it either but she nods regardless watching as her mother walks further into the dim, cold room. She remembers thudding noises and the disgusting crunching noises before hearing the whir of a machine and something wet splattering on the ground.

She recalls rising and calling out for her mother feeling as if the shadows of the room were lengthening and snapping at her; trepidation aside she walks forward as footsteps were heard from the other side. She slips once landing in a strange tepid pool that smells a lot like pennies before she calls for her mother again. She hears another crunching noise and looks up; her mother’s face is the last she sees before blood splatters onto her as the mechanical doors close with a final snap and shudder before everything goes white and the body of her mother emerges onto a red center with wings sprouting from her back.

Her throat is sore and it isn’t until her father has wrapped his coat around her does she realize that she’s been screaming until her voice had gone. She remembers being rushed away with her equally shocked father.

/

Shinji is four when her father abandons her only a year after her mother’s death; the cold, hard look in his eyes that reminds her of the looks others give her and the dead tone he takes as if Shinji is a waste of his time.

He leaves her in the care of a ‘sensei’ and all Shinji remembers that day is calling out for him and trying to follow. He turns and glares at her causing her to flinch and step back; he walks away and leaves her alone. Shinji can remember someone taking photos as she stood, small waif of a child dressed in a short sleeved shirt and shorts on a cold winter morning.

She doesn’t visibly cry, she only feels a pang of numbness before it spreads. When her sensei, a kind middle-aged man whose wife is sickly, gently picks her up and takes her to his home whispering soothing and comforting words that she doesn’t hear; Shinji cries internally and bottles up her emotions.

That is the start of everything.

/

Her sensei is kind and his wife is as well; they treat Shinji like a son because she looks like a boy. They find her wishes odd, that she bathe by herself or that she be allowed only to buy boy clothes. They claim her silly and say ‘Of course you’re a boy Shinji, what else could you be?’

Shinji keeps quiet and does as she was told remembering, but not quite, the final words of her mother.

/

Shinji is five when her sensei brings home a small cello for her; she is curious, the wooden instrument beautifully crafted and strung together gleaming in the fluorescent lighting. It is almost like a song to her, whispering behind somber notes and strings. Her sensei places her in lessons; he didn’t ask but Shinji doesn’t dislike them. She is good at it, he says, and Shinji’s fragile heart flutters in its gloomy, fusty little corroded cage. Good, she is good.

Even though her fingers are clumsy and the bow slightly too large and long for her still small frame Shinji continues working on performance. Because she is good; because it is something she is acknowledged for.

This year is also the same year her sensei’s wife begins teaching her how to cook; she claims it is because it was a skill everyone needs to know. Shinji will one day be of age to start dating or living on her own and she’d need this skill. ‘You can’t live on take-out forever, it’s bad for you.’ So Shinji learns to cook and sensei’s wife says that she is a natural, she is good. Her heart flutters again amongst tarnished, broken bars as her subconscious drinks in the compliment and clings to it desperately.

/

Shinji is six when she discovers that she doesn’t like people; doesn’t like the false smiles or the high pitched voices. Doesn’t like the false personas they place on, doesn’t like their need for breathing and eating. Their voices are too vulgar, unreasonably deep, overly shrill; _so dead like his_.

She doesn’t like hearing their breathing; too gasping, excessively garish; _so obnoxious_ , especially faltering; _breathe deeper and relax_. She doesn’t like the way they chew or swallow; too brash, too nauseating; _stop snorting_. People tend to crowd, too many bodies, too much heat; _clammy or scorching hands_ , the different smells, _too many limbs_. Shinji doesn’t like people, she doesn’t trust people. Cruel icy blue eyes haunt her dreams and cause her skin to crawl.

Her classmates whisper about her; the boy whose mother died but no one knew how while the teachers pretend that nothing is wrong. She’d gone home once, her arms black and blue, with one of her eyes beginning to swell shut; puffy eyed and red faced. Her sensei’s wife takes one look at her and nearly flies from her skin; she begins to whisper to Shinji that things will be okay and begins teaching her to fight. ‘The world is a cruel place and it only gets crueler, so you fight back, just as hard and just as dirty.’

Shinji doesn’t understand, seeing the normally quiet yet sullen woman so incensed is discombobulating. But she takes her explanations to heart but her sensei has spoken with the school. No one bothers her anymore, not even the teachers. It’s like she doesn’t exist.

Shinji discovers that she likes it but distantly at the bottom of her heart, she hates it just as much.

/

Shinji is seven when her father orders to see her again, at her mother’s grave. Shinji recalls her father destroying all the pictures of her mother, removing her clothes, and throwing out her things. Shinji snuck away only a photo, the pendant from her mothers’ locket, a ribbon of cloth from her favorite shirt, and a bottle of her mother’s favorite perfume.

She struggles not to quake under her father’s intense stare, still cold and his body rigid; she says nothing instead placing flowers on her mother’s grave, one of many among the barren wasteland filled with crosses; some graves are empty and some full of ash. Her father says nothing and instead stares at her mother’s grave, unnerving his ‘son’ all the more. The sun is beginning to hide behind the mountains when Shinji finally gathers her courage to ask her father why he left her alone, why she can’t live with him, why. So many why’s without answers; but when she turns to him she finds that he is gone. Just a distant figure walking away.

She’s been abandoned, again.

/

These terse meetings continue as Shinji grows, and she does, very slowly. She has few friends, only three and they aren’t really friends; just bandmates that she attempts to bond with but ends up making her cringe. She’s ten when she begins to bleed; she takes three baths a day not knowing what’s happening but she’s too afraid of the consequences of being found out after lying. She takes out the trash more often and ceases to wear white until the bleeding subsides; there’s so much she’s afraid that she’s dying but she can’t be found out.

She fears rejection and it’s another thing she hates herself for.

Shinji is ten and she knows that she hates herself; hates the sound of her voice, hates the way she breathes, hates the way she moves, hates the way she looks save for the shape of her face and the shape of her eyes which look like her mothers. Shinji hates herself at ten and knows it’ll only grow as she ages.

Sometimes she wonders if her mother is aware of it but she’s dead and there’s another mark in Shinji’s damaged heart.

/

Shinji is eleven when she runs from her father; she’s tired of dealing with the stoicism and the heavy silence that causes her spine twinge and her intestines to freeze. She’s bleeding again and this time it hurts, there’s more to it than that but she hates remembering what it is and ignores it. The pain grows and seems like its expanding.

Shinji’s heart feels frail and like it’s going to crumble into itself when her father stares at her. She says something; she voices something, she’s unsure what it is now but she’s vaguely aware of it being about her abandonment and wanting to know why he hates his own child. She runs, fearing the answer.

She runs as the voices whisper in her ear that she knows the answer, she’s just afraid of him admitting to it.

Shinji is eleven and her father cuts off all contact with her but Shinji receives an SDAT from him a week later but Shinji is too much of a coward to read the letter left with it. Her mind justifies it as a reprimand and hauls it away for her subconscious to whisper about as she lays in the darkness of her room.

/

Shinji discovers the love of music and how it drowns out the voices in her mind and lets the heaviness of her heart lessen. Shinji begins to spend her allowance on tapes, she notices that it helps her bleeding; she doesn’t focus on the pain anymore.

Her sensei says nothing when she remains home on the anniversary of her mother’s death. His wife tries her best to understand but Shinji doesn’t blame her; her mind whispers that she’s an abominable daughter for not visiting her mother but Shinji tries valiantly not to listen as it’s not her mother’s final resting place. It’s inside of whatever that was that day when she was three but Shinji doesn’t remember that day and her mind claims it moot.

/

Shinji is twelve and she’s binding her chest; it hurts and it feels unsettling. She knows that she won’t be able to continue hiding her true gender. Thankfully she hears a classmate speak of binder shirts, ones that help bind the chest without the discomfort of actually doing so. Her sensei is confused when Shinji returns with those shirts but claims that they are for a classmate.

Her sensei says nothing other than an apology for said classmate when Shinji says that she doesn’t need them anymore past the refund date. Shinji says it’s fine and hates herself for lying.

She tries to even her tone of voice, attempting to make it sound more masculine. But finds that she doesn’t need to, she doesn’t talk much anyway.

/

Shinji is thirteen when she hears that this is the age where boys begin to notice girls; she hears the boys whistle and sees them strut about as if they are kings. Shinji struggles not to laugh at them when she realizes that she knows too much of their unwanted secrets in order to fall for them.

She sees the girls begin to worry about their looks; they worry for their hair and pick at non-existent fat, they bemoan their weight even though Shinji knows most of them are healthy even in the still potent conditions of Second Impact. They begin talking about make-up and dresses, about dates and men. Shinji still doesn’t understand, she feels like an outsider looking in but she wonders if perhaps her hidden gender is a blessing or a curse.

Shinji wants to ask her mother but she’ll never get an answer; she’s been asking questions for ten years now, the dead don’t give their reasons or secrets they just leave behind unanswered questions and half-truths.

So she hides again, she keeps the stolen items of her mother and plays her father’s SDAT. She wishes but she knows those never come true otherwise Shinji would have her mother back and she’d have the answers to her questions. Shinji becomes trapped in what feels like an endless cycle, the numbness having taken over years ago.

Wake-up, make breakfast and lunch, eat, go to school, eat, go to cello practice, make dinner, eat, bathe, and sleep. Rinse, stack, repeat.

She loses herself in her tapes, hiding behind the mask of the boy she can never seem to get right to portray. She’s too small, she’s soft-spoken, and she’s sort of pretty instead of handsome. Shinji has long since learned that she can never, and possibly never, will make sense of the world.

/

Shinji is fourteen when her father wants her back in his life; she’s unsure of what to do but her sensei and wife encourage her. Her mind whispers that they want her gone too. Shinji internalizes this doubt and hurt just like she always has and instead agrees because they seem to approve of it.

She’s a good son, her sensei says the day before she leaves. Once more her heart clings to those words and buries them inside of it; she wants some of their compliments to be untainted by herself.

Shinji has stopped cutting her hair instead finding ways to pin it, it looks like a messy boy hairstyle and what she can't fix she gels and molds. She doesn’t like the look of her face when she has it down.

The day she leaves, Shinji goes to the station and is seen off by her sensei and his wife. His wife cries and holds him close, Shinji tries not to cringe and push her away. Her arms feel constricting and the smell of her perfume makes Shinji want to gag, Shinji knows that logically the arms aren’t constricting and that her perfume is actually quite pleasant but Shinji hasn’t been hugged since she was three. It’s worse when her sensei joins in.

Shinji almost flings herself onto the train to get away from them both; she cares for them as they’ve taken care of her and helped her, they’ve raised her, but Shinji can’t bring herself to love them. She can’t bring herself to feel anything right now, so when she waves she feels that icy trepidation hit her again as anxiety causes her palms to sweat and her mouth to dry. They both wave although his wife waves a bit more desperately; Shinji wonders if she’ll see them again or if she can write to them.

As the train moves Shinji keeps waving until they are nothing more than distant figures and she pauses and wonders if they’ve abandoned her or if she’s abandoned them.


	2. You Can (Not) Hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She could ask the Commander but judging by how he treated Shinji and called Shinji his son, and how Shinji had dressed that day…
> 
> Clearly Gendo Ikari is not the person to ask. (...) Misato grumbles under her breath about lousy pets and confusing non-boys who are really girls and commanders who shouldn't be parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being patient and I thank you for your bookmarks, kudos, and your comments. This chapter contains a bit of weird humor, it isn't permanent and it won't go down that route. 
> 
> I wish you all a happy belated New Year
> 
> *take a deep breath*

/

_I once had dreams (…) but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken._

/

Misato taps her heel against the dirt as she watches the horizon of the beach resting against the hood of her car. She sighs and lifts the picture in her grasp staring at the face of a boy, she flips it and rereads the limited information on the back of it. "Shinji Ikari, age fourteen." She flips it back and frowns "Doesn't look like a fourteen year old…" she shrugs and stuffs the picture in her jacket pocket. Her phone rings and she picks it up grumbling under her breath "Yeah?"

Forty seconds later she's in her car, tires screeching as she drives at a frightening speed.

/

Shinji sits close to the doors of the train even though there were only about ten other passengers left. She hunches her shoulders and decides against turning up her SDAT. She doesn't know who will be picking her up as she sincerely doubts that her father will do so, she hasn't allowed that small fledgling hope to get to her; the only times he shows up to their 'meetings' were at her mother's grave and that is the extent of it.

Shinji watches the scenery wondering what her father has planned since she knows she won't be living with him; she'll probably end up dead or shipped off somewhere else an hour or so into their 'living together'. She also doubts that he knows she was a girl, come to think of it only her mother knew that she was a girl… Shinji pulls herself away from that sequence of thoughts as a bitter taste begins to appear at the back of her throat.

Her stop comes up and she gets off grabbing her bag, her father having sent for her things earlier. She sees no one at the station and she allows herself to frown before she sighs quietly and begins walking off adjusting the strap of her bag. She turns her SDAT up noticing that she needs new batteries before she walks in a random direction. She pauses briefly as it finally hits that she is walking on an empty road. There are no cars. She takes out her earbuds and strains her ears, there's no cacophony of honking horns or loud cursing or even cars zooming past.

_Is there some sort of festival?_ Shinji looks around worriedly before she begins power-walking, she'll ask at the nearest store.

/

Her legs are sore by the time she's climbed up the hill and as she struggles to calm her breathing feeling her skin heat up and burn unpleasantly and begin to perspire; she takes out an earbud and notices that she can't hear anything.

No sounds of human life or even the birds chirping and cicada's cries. She swallows thickly feeling something tug at the back of her mind, she tenses hearing a rumble and looks up. Her eyes widen and she barely contains the scream that wants to leave her throat.

A gargantuan black figure with an outer white skeleton looms over the city; Shinji feels her knees begin to shake as panic sets in. She hears the roar of an engine and snaps her head towards the sound to see a small blue car come to a screeching halt in front of her.

A beautiful woman steps out with a disarming, catty smile and gives her a wink when she notices her. "Hi! You wouldn't happen to be Shinji Ikari, right?"

Shinji grips the strap feeling the ground begin to tremble "I-I'm Shinji…" she squawks as her hand is grabbed and she's manhandled into the car. Shinji buckles herself in as the woman begins driving.

"That picture was totally wrong! Oh, right! I'm Katsuragi Misato." Shinji's hand reaches for the door handle without her permission, Misato laughs nervously seemingly completely at ease as a telephone pole crashes down next to them. Shinji stares at her incredulously although she knew of what usually happened in Tokyo-3 this is her first time seeing it.

"What is that thing?"

Misato hums and jerks the steering wheel nearly causing Shinji's head to smack the window "That's an angel, the third one, Sachiel." She states as if she's talking about the weather.

"My father…?"

"He's at Nerv." Shinji swallows holding onto the door handle and the edge of the seat for dear life as Misato twists and turns never once slowing down. Misato seems ignorant of the younger's unease and deems it necessary to pop a wheelie to avoid a piece of rubble. Shinji prays that she won't get motion sickness.

/

When Misato parks she blinks owlishly as Shinji gets out looking as if 'he's' on the verge of collapse. "You okay?" Shinji nods helplessly before Misato resumes to manhandling and dragging him (her) into the Geofront.

Shinji barely catches onto the words of Nerv and something about Eva and her father. She turns to Misato and gets a good look at her as the older keeps talking; she has dark slate blue hair that curls at the ends and brushes past her shoulders and umber brown eyes. She has a fine-boned face and her voluptuous figure is covered by a form-fitting black dress that ends at mid-thigh, and black kitten heels.

Misato gives her a wink noticing that she is staring causing Shinji to blush out of reflex; she's seen plenty of others get winked at or wink at someone but she's never been the one of the receiving or giving end of those actions. It's confusing, though it doesn't make her skin want to crawl off any less.

/

Shinji stands in front of a giant purple mecha that seems like it's calling out to her and if the world slowed down and she closes her eyes, she can hear it. She steps away under the pretext of being frightened of the machine but she's afraid of what it makes her _feel_.

Her father's voice comes from the walls and Shinji realizes that this is why her father wants her back, why the sudden interest in her had sprung about. Shinji…isn't disappointed, she's come to accept that her father will never truly… but that doesn't stop her; hope, that still clings to the corroded cage of her acrimonious, bruised heart, dies once more in its resting place though she knows it'll sprout once again. She pushes away the clawing resentment, internalizing it, numbing herself to the pain as he speaks of the mecha, named Eva-01.

She diffusely hears his order, because whenever they speak it's always orders, he's never spoken in any other tone. She dares to look up ignoring Misato's appealing tone and her half-assed encouragements and when she locks eyes with her father it feels like she's seven and three years old again; her hands begin to twitch and she clenches them into fists as apprehension claws at her throat and causes her lungs to feel like there are shards of ice piercing them. She begins to object and her father brings out a girl.

Shinji's eyes go wide when she sees the girl on the hospital bed being wheeled out; the other stares vacantly ahead with her only useable eye. The other can't walk let alone pilot but Shinji isn't focused on that, she feels something; in multiples. Nostalgia is one of them as it brushes her mind, though she's never seen this girl before. Ire, at her father for using this unknown girl in order to have her do as he wishes and at herself because she knows that with a few well-placed words she'll crumble. Sadness, not pity, tugs at her heart strings as the girl neither moves or blinks uncaring for her condition. And _need_ her mind whispers that she _needs_ this girl, for what she is uncertain, and the ferocity of this emotion scares her.

Her mind begins whispering that if this girl dies, she will regret it for years to come. She _needs_ this girl to be safe, _needs_ for this girl to recognize her-to **see Shinji and no one else**. The girl moves then struggling to sit up as the building begins to tremble, Shinji sees the rubble falling and tugs the girl away holding her close attempting to protect her with her own body even though the chances of the other surviving are non-existent should the rubble actually crush Shinji.

But the rubble never makes contact, Shinji raises her head and sees that the mecha moved on its own sheltering Shinji and the other girl from damage. She hears someone shout out orders, to remove Rei. Rei, must be the girls' name. Rei is a beautiful name. A hidden memory surfaces then as Shinji lets Rei go; she can't make much out but it's like the scene from a movie in sepia tones and she can only see her mother's smile, _'I should have named you Rei instead of Shinji… but I couldn't resist. I loved the name Shinji and you are my love…'_ Shinji blinks away tears and looks up to see that the hand was still over her head, when she turns to it she feels that tugging from earlier.

She isn't aware of what she's doing before they're shoving her into a small cramped space and it fills with water.

/

The smell and taste of blood makes her cringe and brings back unwanted memories; _her mother's death, her first bleeding, death, fear, death, rejection, death, death, **death** -_

She only calms when she feels a faint brush against the back of her neck and across her brow and when she opens her eyes, she sees Tokyo-3 being ruined. She looks about for anything that looks familiar and hears Misato shouting for her to move. Shinji does so, half out of her wits in fear; the Eva-01 moves sluggishly and stilted as if it were a puppet on frayed strings. She hears Misato telling her to calm down and to destroy the Angel and she wants to protest because she's never done anything like this before; she doesn't know how to pilot, doesn't even know what the Eva's are.

But she tries and fails but she gets up and tries again. It's only until the Eva-01 is being crushed and she feels the pressure forcing the limited air out of her lungs that she grows fearful and wordlessly cries for her mother.

She feels pain stab her left eye and clutches at it as something that feels like it's scorching her mind shocks her nervous system. Shinji cries out and the world around her bleeds a white that is actually black. What she feels next is a mixture of her inhibited resentment and torment; she wants to bite, to tear flesh, to utterly and unreservedly rescind what is causing her to feel this way. However the cause isn't there but there is an Angel; Shinji disregards the way her eyes sting and how her teeth feel like they've elongated, as she gives into the tempo of battle.

The jubilation she feels as she viciously rips the Angel apart repulses her and she blacks out when, as a final testament of victory, the Eva takes the Angel's mask between its teeth, rips it away, and crushes it swallowing some pieces as the rest dissolves into red liquid.

Shinji is ignorant of the roar that rings through the air and of the ghost of her mother standing in front of her shedding a red tear that dissolves into the LCL before she smiles, turns and fades back into the Eva's core.

/

Shinji wakes in sparse moments, an elderly man stands next to her speaking in a muffled tone but when he says something about her clothes it makes her fight the pull of sleep. "Don't tell, mom said never tell." Her frantic, hoarse plea makes the man fall silent but when he nods and swears to keep the secret she allows herself to fall back asleep.

Fuyutsuki has changed her clothes only then seeing the binding on Shinji's chest and the slight swell. He says nothing and hurriedly changes the girl wondering how Yui had been able to keep her child's gender a secret; he knows that Gendo has no idea, judging by the way the man treats his 'son'.

Kozo Fuyutsuki keeps a silent vigil over the slumbering child of the woman he once loved; as he watches the boy—no, Yui's child is a girl, although the reason as to why she hid the gender of her child remains unknown Fuyutsuki will say nothing, simply because Yui wishes it to be unknown. He finds Yui in her daughter's face; the shape of her face, her cheekbones, her chin, her nose. She was almost an exact replica of Yui with the exception of the tainted genes given to her by Gendo; such as the hair and eye coloring.

Fuyutsuki will keep this secret well much like he has with the secret of his love for Yui; his smile becomes almost predatory at the thought of what Gendo will do when he finds out that his 'son' is actually the daughter he wished for, one that looked too much like Yui. _But there is always the possibility that Gendo would treat Shinji this way no matter the gender or sex because for Gendo there has only been and will only be Yui._ [He will forever refuse to accept that he may be the same]

/

Shinji wakes up a day later with her father and Rei staring at her, Gendo demands answers; answers that Shinji can't give because she doesn't remember. Gendo seems irate and Shinji finds the urge to cringe and Gendo explains in terse tones of what occurred though Shinji knows he's leaving something out; Rei is silent next to him and Shinji struggles not to look at her and beg her not to look at her or listen.

Gendo stares at the pathetic lump of flesh that took Yui's love from him; _it_ looked far too much like Gendo and too little of Yui in order for him to care too much about _it_. Gendo surmises his explanation leaving out that the Eva-01 went berserk knowing that it, his son, would remember later. As he leaves with Rei following at his side he states that _it_ will live with Katsuragi from now on.

Shinji stares as they leave and when the door slides shut, she wraps her arms around herself and rocks back and forth. " _So I prayed as I stroked my belly…_ " Shinji's voice trembles and breaks as she tries holding back tears, " _I wondered what you would look like, I wondered what you would sound like_." She tried imagining her mother holding her as her arms wound tighter around herself feeling anxiety claw at the back of her throat as she contained the sobs that wish to escape. She could have died and her father… " _You've cried enough and hug your knees. Don't worry, I'll stay with you,"_ Shinji whimpers and continues rocking " _I will be with you, whatever may come..._ "

" _…I will watch you from afar as you pick a path to walk…_ " Shinji bites her lips savagely as sobs keep threatening to escape, she grabs her pillow, the IV in her arm snapping against the metal bars on the bed; she shoves her face into the pillow and hugs it muffling her sobs.

Misato watches silently feeling something swell in her chest, quietly she exits shifting the door up ever so slightly so as not to alert the sobbing teen of her presence as she exits. She waits crossing her arms outside the door as the muffled sobbing continues for ten minutes.

/

Shinji dries her eyes and flips the pillow to hug the dry side; her shoulders still tremble and she sniffles but she's ceased her rocking motions. She wants the few possessions of her mother at her side or her mother's perfume, just a spritz on the pillow to calm her and pretend that her mother is here.

After five minutes a knock sounds on the door and Shinji isn't sniffling but her eyes are still red-rimmed and puffy eyed. She places the pillow back wincing as the IV needle shifts marginally. "C-come in."

Misato pops in smiling and if she notices that Shinji still looks steps away from crying, she says nothing which Shinji is grateful for. "Your things have been moved to my place!" Shinji stares at her hands and Misato doesn't quite falter "So whenever you're ready we can go." Shinji nods and Misato exits after a few more seconds. Shinji changes and pins her hair back to look like it should. She exits the room after making sure nothing is out of place, she gives Misato a nod and follows her towards her car.

"Don't worry Shinji, I'm not too strict!" Shinji grabs onto the door handle and grips the edge of the seat as Misato pulls away with a loud screech; thankfully there's some traffic so Misato isn't driving like the hounds of hell are at their heels. Shinji is just thankful that she won't get motion sickness. "I've got some of your stuff in the back, but before we go to the apartment we're going grocery shopping." Shinji makes to say something when Misato jerks the wheel, Shinji's head thumps against the window. Misato smiles apologetically as Shinji rubs the side of her head but when they get to the store Shinji stares at Misato's hopeless form incredulously as she stocks up on instant ramen and beer. But says nothing merely pointing out sales before Misato turns to her and smiles "Sorry, I'm only used to doing this for one person."

Shinji gives her a smile that looks more like a pained grimace remaining quiet even though Misato urges her to pick things that cater to her taste rather than hers. Misato works hard to keep smiling at Shinji's quiet and high-pitched refusals that everything is fine and she doesn't need to go out of her way. _I'm not that important,_ Shinji wants to say, _you don't need to do these things. You'll only end up leaving anyway, so why bother._ Shinji doesn't mind it, she's used to it [she's lying].

/

Shinji isn't exactly sure what to say when Misato opens the door to her apartment; there's a substantial mess but it appears comfortable. "Welcome home!"

Shinji feels a shiver run along her soul at the invitation, at the small want to make sure that this _works_. To make sure that she doesn't make an epic failure of this and be able to show people, show others; show her father that she is capable of being a human. That she is capable of  being. Shinji removes her shoes and places them in a corner of the entrance neatly and Misato does the same; she ushers Shinji inside and Shinji sees the seven boxes containing most of her things. Misato lets her unpack while she puts everything away.

In her new room Shinji stares around at the four walls that will house her for an unknown period, she swallows thickly wondering if her sensei and his wife are fine before she shakes her head and begins unpacking. She hides the box of her mother's things in her petite closet underneath two rows of shirts; she leaves certain things in boxes and places them precisely out and away from would be curious eyes. Once done Shinji leaves her room and blinks to find Misato in a faded yellow camisole and shredded hot pants, her hair in a messy bun as she sips at a can of beer. As Shinji nears her she can see that Misato is on her fourth can.

Misato gives her a cheery wave and Shinji gives a reflexive, stilted wave back "Hey Shinji," Shinji's eyes narrow at the croon "do you mind cooking dinner?" Shinji blinks owlishly and nods eager for some normalcy, donning on the frilled pink apron without a care. Misato watches in fascination as Shinji begins cooking; slicing and dicing using ingredients Misato didn't even know she had. She sips at her beer watching as Shinji bustles away and makes a sound when Shinji makes to use the wrong fridge "Not that one, he'll be upset if you open that without his permission." Shinji blinks at her before nodding unsure of what Misato means.

Shinji knows better than to ask questions and so she settles back into cooking. Since she's so used to cooking for three, she makes a bit too much while Misato nearly drools at the delicious scent that begins filling the apartment. She blushes and apologizes, stammering all the while but Misato takes a curious bite and Shinji can almost swear she sees stars in those pretty, umber brown eyes. "This is _great_! Shinji, you should always cook!" Shinji gives her an unsteady smile laughing nervously as Misato proceeds to disregard all decorum and begins eating.

Shinji joins in at a much slower, cleaner pace flushing and fidgeting fretfully as Misato continues to shower her cooking skills with praise.

As Misato said, she isn't strict, as she informs Shinji of the rules which basically consist of; don't drink Misato's beer (not until she's legal), no wild parties (unless she can attend and doesn't have to be present at work the next day), try getting good grades, and try going to bed at a reasonable time but most importantly don't drink Misato's beer. Shinji nods along and asks to take a bath still feeling as if her skin will shrivel into itself from her stay in the hospital.

/

Misato agrees and Shinji goes to bathe while Misato is on her seventh beer; Misato blinks owlishly as she remembers that Pen-

Misato nearly flies out of her skin hearing a quite feminine shriek but continues sipping at her beer. The door to the bathroom slams open as Pen-Pen waddles out looking nervous and when Misato looks up to ask what's wrong, her eyes widen seeing Shinji who is clearly **not** a boy.

What really happened after Pen-Pen waddled out was that Misato took a large, final sip of her beer and looked up to see a naked Shinji soaking wet with shampoo foam in her loose hair and some soap suds falling from her still developing form. Misato ends up half choking and half spitting out her beer before her and Pen-Pen takes her next one. Shinji looks down and shrieks flinging herself back into the bathroom leaving Misato to ponder just what the hell she's gotten herself into.

When she hears the muffled crying from Shinji (or does she go by another name?) Misato scrambles to the bathroom door. She knocks on it ignoring the urge to just unlock the door "Shinji, it's okay; I'm not upset that you're a girl." She's not upset, truly she isn't; she just wants to know how the _hell_ no one else knew. She could ask the Commander but judging by how he treated Shinji and called Shinji his son, and how Shinji had dressed that day…

Clearly Gendo Ikari is not the person to ask. "Please don't tell." The desperation in that soft voice and the outright pathetic sobs make Misato rub her face.

"All right, Shinji I promise. Just finish bathing and we can talk about this further, okay?" she hears a plausible answer and goes back towards the table and clears it glaring at Pen-Pen but she knows that it's partially her fault. "Well, at least I'm not hung-over." She states to Pen-Pen who blinks at her with unconcerned eyes and goes back to his fridge; Misato grumbles under her breath about lousy pets and confusing non-boys who are really girls and commanders who shouldn't be parents.

/

Shinji comes out looking like her world has come crashing down and Misato gestures for her to sit; she's already chugged on something stronger than beer but she is still lucid despite the ten beers. Shinji sits down looking like she's ready to bolt "Okay Shinji, I need you to explain…"

Shinji stares at her with wide eyes and Misato waits repeating her request in a quiet, firm voice. "I… I've always been a girl but my mom said that I should never tell anyone…" Shinji worries her bottom lip to the point where she can taste the slightest hint of blood, "so I didn't. I hid everything that I could and I…" Misato nods and processes this information slowly ignoring the way Shinji's body tilts to break into a run towards the exit.

"But why hide it?"

Shinji looks uncomfortable and shrugs causing Misato to want to growl at her that shrugging is not an answer "I… I never knew why she wanted me to hide that I was a girl… I just kept hiding because everyone thought I was a boy…" Misato inhales another beer can in one and opens up another one "Father doesn't know…no one does…just you." Misato tenses when Shinji begins to prostrate herself, Misato's mouth goes dry and her eyes widen "So please, don't tell anyone, I'll do anything just please…"

Misato gapes unattractively floundering to try and make sense of the situation before she shakes herself and decides that she'll figure this out when she is on the precarious edge of being drunk; "Shinji…" Shinji continues begging and Misato bites back the urge to snap at her to stop gravelling and straighten up "Shinji!" Shinji snaps her head up and Misato gestures for her to have a seat when the other does so hesitantly Misato clears her throat "Now Shinji, this is something huge and while I don't fully understand why you're hiding your gender I won't tell a soul." Shinji gives her a hopeful smile causing Misato's insides to churn and gain an icy feeling "but someday you are going to have to tell Dr. Akagi." She holds up a hand when Shinji makes to protest "And _only_ because she has to make sure the pilots are healthy." She hopes that Shinji doesn't notice the hesitation in her voice.

"Only her?" At Misato's nod Shinji relaxes marginally "She'll keep it a secret?"

"Yes." Misato will probably have to try and manipulate Ritsuko into believing or thinking that it's an experiment which means that Misato will have to lie, Ritsuko will see through it, and Misato will have to bribe her into keeping silence with either some new technology or a few months' worth of cigarettes either way her wallet is going to suffer before Ritsuko will agree and probably only because she'll want to see the outcome.

Damn scientific genius co-workers.

Shinji blinks as Misato begins grumbling under her breath about scientists and cigarettes, she quietly excuses herself after Misato crushes her still full beer in her hands and goes to her room. Shinji stares up at the ceiling counting the imperfections as La Gazza Ladra plays in her ears; _'An unfamiliar ceiling… how long will this last?'_ Shinji is not foolish enough to think that if she refuses to pilot that she will stay here; her father can barely tolerate being aware of her presence, it's almost painful enough being in the same city. Shinji wonders if she feels the same, if she ever did but all she feels is that empty numb feeling near the pit of her stomach. There is no anger, no happiness, there is simply just a numbing sense of apathy that doesn't startle Shinji as it should.

After all, it's been there since she was three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Shinji is mumbling is Okaasan no Uta from Wolf Children (if you haven't watched it, don't, it's pain and anguish wrapped in false cuteness)


	3. You Can (Not) Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would it be like if Gendo loved Shinji? What would it be like if he were around? What would it be like to receive a hug from her own father? A smile? A compliment? The very idea of him doing such is disconcerting but Shinji wants it all the same. What would it be like to have a normal person in my life?
> 
> It’s implausible.

_(…) Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me._

/

Misato gently shakes Shinji awake and wordlessly hands her the male uniform for school leaving the other to get dressed but remains in the room causing Shinji to blush vividly “Shinji, you don’t have any girl clothes, do you?” Shinji stares as Misato begins rifling through her drawers and sighs “I’d take you shopping but people would wonder…hmm…” Misato taps her chin and Shinji begins to shake her head “How good are you at sewing?” Shinji begins to stutter and stammer as Misato pushes the door closed to her now messy closet.

“Misato-san!” Misato pauses blinking owlishly as Shinji inhales and exhales looking visibly shaken “I-I can’t… I can’t wear… it’s not safe…” Misato frowns and begins to shake her head unsure of what the other means “My father could…” _but what would he do? He’s never cared much about you,_ Shinji’s mind whispers nitpicking at ever present insecurities like scavengers pecking at a carcass.

“How about we work on it?” When Shinji stares at her Misato smiles “Since I honestly doubt that you’d suddenly start wearing dresses and miniskirts after so long, why don’t we try simple things? I’ve still got some old camisoles and some blouses that you could try wearing when you’re here.” At Shinji’s hesitant nod Misato’s smile widens “Good now, do you know your bra size?” Misato face palms when she merely receives a blank stare and sighs “Alright, take off the binding.” She sighs again when Shinji shakes her head “Shinji, your breasts need to breathe.” Misato then launches into a tirade as she yanks Shinji’s shirts off and nonchalantly cups Shinji’s breasts.

Misato winces at the horrified shriek and watches as Shinji backpedals and presses her back to the wall, as Misato mumbles about her being a B cup Shinji begins demanding an explanation, flushing something fierce and stammering all the while. “Come here and let me feel them again, I know you won’t feel comfortable going to an actual store just yet and bra sizing could take a while; it’s better to be uncomfortable now instead of me taking a chance and buying you a bra that’s too small or too large for you.” Shinji swallows thickly as Misato wiggles her fingers in an effort to make herself less threatening _._ Misato wonders why Shinji shudders in revulsion but ignores it, there is a lot about Shinji that she doesn’t know and truly Misato knows that one will never truly get to know a person even if there are years behind them.

Shinji tries to focus on anything besides Misato’s face as she nears or the warmth of her hands as they once again cup her breasts. Shinji’s mind begins replaying La Gazza Ladra and she begins thinking of how she’ll play it on her cello when Misato finally pulls away “I was wrong! You’re an A cup!” Shinji nearly collapses back against the wall ignoring Misato’s singsong voice “Luckily for you, it’s time for me to go shopping so I’ll buy you some really cute ones!” Shinji contains the reflexive urge to cringe as she tries and ends up over exaggerating about what Misato might think of as ‘really cute’. It’s not long before Misato rushes her to change so she can make breakfast and lunch before they head off to NERV.

/

Shinji quickly fixes something up for breakfast but it still makes Misato’s taste buds sing in joy. Pen-Pen joins in and even allows Shinji to pet him but that’s probably because Shinji had given him most of the leftovers from what she cooked. Shinji eats as she makes their lunches and Misato nearly hugs herself in joy imagining the envied looks she’ll get when she goes to work with a homemade lunch.

NERV personnel, while highly intelligent or extremely driven individuals, were often times inept at something; she knew for a fact that most of them were unable to sort through the messes in their homes, Ritsuko’s place is littered with notes and half equations, new and empty lighters, and half-empty cartons of cigarettes and ash trays.

Shinji doesn’t know what to make of Misato. She seems friendly enough, nice enough, warm enough but Shinji knows all about that. Be nice and kind, make jokes and laugh. _Be human_. Be a socialite not a wallflower.

But Shinji knows that there is something about Misato, something that she keeps hidden from everyone. She just wonders what it is. “Shinji-chan, you have to meet with Doctor Akagi today but you don’t need to tell her anything. She’ll just give you a breakdown of what is expected of you as a pilot and what her job is. You won’t be stripping down or anything and if she does,” Misato places a hand near hers rather than grasping onto it and Shinji appreciates it. “I’ll just tell her no and make up an excuse. I’ve done it before, anyway so she’ll only get mad at me.” Shinji gives her another grimace in place of a smile when she winks but it’s better than yesterdays, she doesn’t look as pained.

/

Shinji feels trepidation as she stands before Doctor Akagi who is wearing a vague smile on her painted red lips; Misato stands near a corner of the room watching Doctor Akagi with an odd intensity as the other woman explains just what she must do. What it means to pilot an Eva. Doctor Akagi’s eyes stare down at her, as if they are visibly dissecting her and Shinji fights the urge to hunch her shoulders and make herself smaller; she loses and Misato says something else to get those probing charcoal gray eyes away from her.

As Shinji struggles to get her bearings Doctor Akagi turns back towards her, a cigarette already in between long, slim fingers. Shinji sees her red polish and her mind refers to her nails as claws; this woman is dangerous even though she appears as a listless individual. Shinji knows that all scientists can be dangerous, remembers overhearing a conversation between two science teachers that the one of the many _clean_ ways to kill someone, was to inject air into their veins. The brassy blonde takes Shinji’s chin in her hands and examines her face tilting it to and fro, she begins mumbling under her breath and Misato straightens.

Shinji is grateful that Doctor Akagi doesn’t make her take her clothes off. “You’re a bit underweight and your vitals show that you could do with a bit more protein and calcium in your diet. Allergies?” Shinji shakes her head inhaling slowly, deeply when Doctor Akagi presses a stethoscope to her clothed chest thankfully still strapped under a binder. “You should start looking after your dietary needs, maybe even look into something physical like sports…” Misato gives Shinji a smile who returns it shakily as Doctor Akagi pulls away.

Misato fights to keep down her smile when she sees Shinji’s shoulders slump in relief when Ritsuko waves them away, without giving away anything Misato tugs Shinji out “See you Ritsuko-chan! Let’s do lunch!”

Ritsuko’s eyes narrow as she exhales allowing her exhale to fog up her glasses, _what are you up to Misato?_

/

The drive ‘home’ is quiet and Shinji can feel her hands and knees shaking but she should be thankful that Doctor Akagi hadn’t made her do anything else unsavory; even if she wasn’t comfortable piloting the Eva.

Misato gives her an in-depth explanation as to what Shinji has to fight for. She recalls the colossal white, purple masked being crucified; seven beady eyes staring at them yet never fully acknowledging them. She swallows back bile as she remembers staring into those eyes and everything taking a sepia tone; those eyes are staring back at her and she could hear whispers going around the room at a rapid pace, indecipherable and haunting.

Lilith changes; taking the form of her mother and then of Rei and finally of her before blood begins to escape from its wounds-

Shinji is grateful that Misato is a crazed driver and she grounds herself upon hearing the screeching of the tires.

Shinji bathes and makes dinner, looking lost for all the world to see causing Misato to cast her worried glances. Shinji won’t tell her what she’s seen (or is she remembering?) Shinji eats a bit less and gives the rest of her serving to Pen-Pen before excusing herself.

/

She doesn’t want to go to school, she doesn’t want to have to get used to new faces and try and fail at making friends because she’s socially inept and has never been given a chance to flourish.

But it is also because she doesn’t like humans; humans are fickle in nature, horrid by choice and ignorance, and only kind to those who they think will aide them further in life while everyone else is left to die. _A boy crying in the darkness of a room. A boy crying in an entry plug. A boy crushed in an entry plug with someone screaming, heartfelt and plagued with woe._ Shinji blinks owlishly when she’s asked to come in and introduce herself and she does so, feeling cold sweat drip down her back and her hands nearly tremble as a deep chill reaches down from her shoulders and pushes down into her center.

“My name is Ikari Shinji, please treat me kindly.” She says with a polite and respectful bow, she is allowed to take her seat and class resumes.

She spies Rei, Ayanami, her mind corrects. She spies Ayanami sitting staring out of the window, it isn’t that hard to find her no one she knows has that type of pale blue hair. She stares at her for some time before her computer screen flashes, she looks down at it.

[Are you the new pilot?]

/Pilot?/

[The new Eva pilot! Are you?]

/Yes./

Shinji feels a coil of dread hit her full force when class ends and her desk is surrounded by students all clamoring for her attention and she resists the urge to scream violently to make them go away. To make them stop touching her. _Get away. Get away. Don’t touch me._ Too clammy. Too close. Too hot. **_Disgusting_** _. Leave me alone!_ She tries looking for Ayanami to see if she will help her. Perhaps she can get to know her without her father being there, without him clouding her judgement and making Shinji act odd and feel inferior, like some insect under a microscope. But Ayanami doesn’t even spare her a glance.

/

It is during break that she meets two boys; a boy angry with a bitter and lonesome swing in his step and another boy with glasses with an odd, not all there smile. They take her out into one of the outer parts of the school. She gasps when the first boy pushes her and she stumbles “My sister was injured because of you!”

_People get hurt because of me. First mom and now-_ Shinji wants to curl up in a ball and press her hands to her ears and let the roaring of her blood overcome all else. She wants to go back to sensei’s home and huddle into her closet pretending that the world doesn’t exist and that she doesn’t either. “I-” she looks at the boy who gives her a furious scowl and then the other who merely watches seeming like he is torn between giving a well-practiced smile and a frown. “I d-” _I didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt. I don’t want to do this anymore. Mom!_ Mom! _**MOM!** _ “I don’t even want to pilot-”

Pain explodes on the right side of her face and she falls on her back, the boy sneers at her and walks off. The other boy stands over her as if he’s come out from a shadowy depth, “Real sorry about Toji—he’s a bit angry about his sister. She was injured during the incident yesterday.” The boy leans in giving her a sympathetic smile “She’s like his whole world, you know.”

He walks away leaving Shinji by herself and she stares up at the sky her mind focused on the pain. “I’m sorry,” she whispers “I didn’t want to pilot it but…” Shinji stares at the blue, blue sky and focuses on how small and insignificant she is. _I’m sorry. I don’t want to exist._ (You must).

/

She feels like she’s crawled out of her body and watching as she lives. Wake up, make breakfast and lunch, go to school, lunch, Eva testing, return home; dinner, sleep. Repeat.

She can feel their stares. _Angry. Bitter. Resentment._ Hostile. _Stop staring._ **_Stop looking at me._** _[Gouge their eyes out!]_. Red eyes, kind and melancholic **. Red eyes, cold and blank.** _Red eyes, warm. Green eyes, **pathetic.**_

The stares bore into her back like they’ll peel away skin at any given moment. Shinji wants to cover her ears and hide.

/

Days pass slow, trickling sluggishly and cracking like paint. The news of her piloting has settled and Shinji sits alone in the middle row of her classmates only catching the briefest hint of the sun hitting Ayanami’s frost blue hair.

“Ikari-kun.” Shinji’s eyes flutter open and she sits up straighter realizing that she’s in her Eva suit. “Have you memorized the positions of all the Eva emergence points, emergency power junctions, armament equipment sites and recovery zones?”

“Yes.” Shinji’s fingers clench around the handles and she centers herself. _One. Two. Three._ She detaches herself.

Afterwards, Shinji is making dinner with Misato watching her and Pen-Pen following Shinji as she moves about. There is no change in Shinji’s attire and Misato knows that she hasn’t worn any of the bras that she’s bought. They’re still there, folded inside of their pastel pink bag on the desk near her bed.

“Shin-chan, I have a present for you!” Shinji pauses and turns to her, placing the knife down before she leans down and gives Pen-Pen a slice of tofu.

Misato smiles at the exchange and brings out a small wrapped box. “Go ahead, open it!” She opens a beer and settled down into her chair passing Pen-Pen a beer when he waddles over to her.

Shinji unwraps the gift, slowly smoothing over the paper corners and making sure she doesn’t rip it. As if she’d never received a gift from another person—Misato refrains from sighing and instead watches as Shinji brings out the cellphone, Misato smiles at her perplexed stare “It’s so you can stay in contact with people!”

Shinji smiles “Thank you, Misato-san!” she puts the phone away and goes back to cooking with Pen-Pen following her and Misato returns to watching them, content.

/

Shinji stares at her cellphone that never rings, she twists and turns it in her hands. She knows that they’re for keeping in contact with others but who would she keep in contact with? She had tentative friends back with her sensei and… Shinji stares at the phone and debates, was the number still the same?

She types in the digits and stops at the send button, her thumb trembles and she releases a shuddering breath.

In the end, she doesn’t dial the number.

/

“Unit one, prepare for launch.”

Shinji opens her eyes, _what is the point of piloting if father isn’t here?_ Her cheek still stings.

“I understand.” Her stomach feels like it’s pulling itself apart. _Target the center, then fire. Center, fire. Center, fire. Center. Fire._

_Terror. Terror. She can’t do this. She can’t do this. Run away. Run away._ Run away you big baby. _Run. Run. RUN!_

“Shinji!”

_Live. Live. You must live._ Shinji holds her head and looks to the side. Her heart drops into the pit of her stomach as she stares down at the two boys. A shadow falls over them and Shinji moves, _protect. Protect. I must protect._

“Shinji, let them into the cockpit and retreat.”

_I can’t die. Not like this. I—I have to save them._ Shinji feels malice at her fingertips and in the line of her jaw, Kensuke and Toji gripping onto the seat of the Eva. Fear like blood in their veins and she must save them. She has enough blood on her hands.

“Utilize recovery route 34.” Her hands burn and the progressive knife fits into her palm. It feels safe, secure. Her world falls into a tunnel view, _do what you must Shinji-kun. Do what you need to do. Mother will always stand beside you._ She blocks out everything, everyone. All that matters is that she needs to destroy this thing. One step closer, one step further. The tentacles pierce the Eva and she stabs the angel through the core.

She screams and forces the knife deeper. As adrenaline courses through her veins she realizes how closely she stared death in the face. _And all you could do was scream at it angrily. You could have killed the others with you and for what? All for the sake of proving yourself to someone who isn’t even here!_

She dissolves into tears, the other two a witness to her weakness.

/

It’s natural for her to run away. It comes as easily as breathing and yet this time, it’s harder than the others.

Shinji stares at the payphone and her hand twitches to dial that all too familiar number and just hear a familiar voice. She jumps when she hears the dial tone and her index finger pushes those buttons. Each dial blaring against her skull as she desperately tries to reign in her feelings.

The person picks up and familiarity sweeps through her “Sensei, it’s me. Shinji.”

She hears the delighted answer and listens to her former sensei talk, it soothes her nerves like a cello string unwinding from harsh tuning to play the perfect note. Her heart longs for simpler days when everything bled grey and the world never recognized her nor wanted to. Surviving but never living hoping to notice someone who could remind her that perhaps life would be alright if she were to live it.

_It’s not realistic,_ her heart states. _All people do is hurt each other. Hurt me. I don’t want to let anyone in if they’re just going to hurt me. I won’t let them._

Shinji’s hand tightens around the phone “Sensei, I’m fine. When I have free time, I’ll call you.” She waits for a reply and hangs up, hand hanging uselessly at her side. “I’m a coward.”

_Keep running._

/

Shinji curls under the tent with Kensuke who does not say that they are friends but a small bud of hope flourishes in her chest, creeping along the walls of her ribcage and spine. It fills her lungs and leaves her lightheaded. The thought of having a friend is exhilarating and yet, Kensuke could very well hurt her.

But when she looks over at Kensuke she sees that he’s got a plane figurine in his hand. _“I don’t have a mother, I’m the same as you.”_ Were they the same? _No. No,_ Shinji knows that her _experiences_ are unique within themselves. But Kensuke had a father. “What is your father like Kensuke?”

Kensuke drops his plane, it lands on his stomach and he turns to her with his dark green eyes. He judges her, weighing options and he smiles. Different, cooler around the edges. “My old man? He’s cares… he’s around.” And the response shouldn’t feel like verbal jabs at her but they do.

_What would it be like if Gendo loved Shinji? What would it be like if he were around? What would it be like to receive a hug from her own father? A smile? A compliment?_ The very idea of him doing such is disconcerting but Shinji wants it all the same. _What would it be like to have a normal person in my life?_

It’s implausible.

/

There are men in suits come to take Shinji back to Nerv and Shinji watches as Kensuke stands up and tries to defend her. In his scrawny, awkwardness and yet something shakes Shinji to the core. Someone is willing to protect her. To risk their life for her. There is a small layer of warmth that settles over the abyss of ice that is within her soul and she feels herself smile. “It’s okay, Kensuke. I’ll be fine.” As she walks away she glances back at him.

He stares at her with wide eyes. _“I’ll see you at school.”_

/

Shinji sits in a dark room thinking over her actions and Misato berates her. “I was-”

“You weren’t thinking is what you were doing.” Misato leans down and whispers into her ear so low that neither the cameras or recorders will be able to pick up “You’re a woman, Ikari. Don’t think that this world will give you a fucking hand out because of it.”

And Shinji understands and yet she does not. She cannot. She has been living as a male and it confuses her.

She’s heard that women cannot travel alone late at night without the escort of someone or a handgun. She’s heard that girls travel in groups in any location regardless if it is public or not. Yet she does not understand why.

Misato’s heavy stare causes her to tremble and she can’t help but wonder _what. What is so dangerous about traveling late at night? What is so dangerous about living as a woman? What? Why? Why?_

“I’ll see you at home.” She snaps and leaves. The door opens and closes and Shinji is left in the dark.

/

It isn’t until Misato is sitting across from her that Shinji remembers the conversation of when she ran away. “Misato-san, why is it dangerous to be a woman?”

Misato stops, beer poised at her lips and she sets it down and stares at Shinji. “Shinji, what do you _know_ about being a woman?” Misato quips back leaning an elbow on the table and resting her chin in her palm.

Shinji pauses and leans back head tilted to the side, her growing hair tickling her ears. “Well I know that women must travel together late at night and that it’s best to remain together even if the area is crowded.” Her lips thin and she looks off to the side “I know that girls worry about things like make-up and finding a partner in life…”

“Do you know why girls have to travel together?” at Shinji’s head shake Misato sighs quietly “It’s a long discussion, get me two more beers.”

Wordlessly Shinji brings them over and Misato leans back, “How much do you know about the female body?” at the blank stare she receives Misato proceeds to chug her beer and she shudders. “Have you begun menstruating yet? You know, bleeding out of your genitals?” Shinji nods and Misato feels sick at the light in Shinji’s eyes.

“It has a name?”

Misato resolves to a long night of questions.

/

Misato moves differently from person to person, shifts her smiles this and that way almost as if she’s been doing this for years. She jokes then smiles and laughs, she pouts and frowns and nudges you in the ribs.

She’s tactile, and lively. Boisterous and bubbly in a way that makes Shinji’s head spin from the directions she pulls herself in. the third week into her stay there is when she discovers it.

Around her, Misato is neutral, friendly and nice to a degree as if she doesn’t know her boundaries. Around Doctor Akagi, she is a foil to her. But there is something off about it, Misato moves in a different way between them. Even though she gives off the impression that she is friends, and warm, and nice, she maintains a discreet distance.

She seems to dance around people, in conversation. Becoming close enough to lure you in only to twirl away and move on before twirling back.

She is like Shinji. But Misato does not feel awkward like she will crawl out of her skin, she looks comfortable in her own skin, with her own body. Misato seems like she flowers around people while in Shinji’s case they make her feel nauseous and disgusting. Too many eyes. Everyone looks at you with critical eyes. _Stop looking at me_. (Gouge their eyes out). I’m _not_ a freak. **_I hate it when people look at me like that_**. [Please, look at me.]

But it is there. Misato is probably just as afraid of being hurt and thrown away as she is. Probably, probably someone hurt her in the past. Was she like Shinji? No, Misato smiles and laughs and she has friends. Misato is a beautiful woman with a laid back personality and her laugh, her honest laughter is pretty. She makes her own rules, she commands. She is a force (a small force), but she stands out.

Shinji is just this plain frumpy thing with too long limbs and too high cheekbones, too plain of face and foreign eyes. Shinji is an odd _ugly_ , disgusting thing that can’t even smile properly let alone hold a conversation. Shinji doesn’t command respect and she doesn’t deserve it. Shinji can’t even be a proper girl or a boy. She is an _it_. An anomaly, something that should be kept from people and in a facility.

She watches Misato yawn before she notices her staring and gives her a sheepish grin “How are you, Shin-chan?” Shinji gives her a smile and shakes her head before looking down at her plate to resume eating, lost in thought.

That’s another thing, Misato is terribly familiar. Shinji doesn’t know her but she doesn’t dislike it, not like how sensei and his wife would only call her Ikari-kun as if she hadn’t lived with them for nearly a decade. It isn’t proper, it isn’t right for Misato to act like they’re familiar but it feels nice. Like someone actually cares.

In Shinji’s fusty little corroded cage of a heart, there’s still a bitter, horrid thing holding out hope that **someday** , _someone_ will  love her. Will make her feel safe, will make her not question herself at every turn. Will give her enough confidence to entertain the thought that she can be human, an insider instead of an outsider.

If anyone would hear her voice this they would call her old fashioned, call her outdated and weird. But it would be nice to be taken care of, to be loved deeply. She knows that it’s wrong to depend on someone fully but she knows no other way. **Think for yourself! _Just do something!_ ** Be spontaneous! _No one wants a stick in the mud!_ **God, you’re so boring!**

Shinji flinches and rubs her head, these headaches had been happening ever since she began piloting but Misato said that it was normal as her psyche was still getting used to being pushed and pulled in certain direction. Out of depth from synching with the Eva but she would get used to it. Shinji eats slowly feeling like stones are falling into her stomach every time she swallows, like she can hear her stomach digesting food just as easily as she can hear time stretching and the loud clinking of chopsticks against a glass bowl from next door.

She gets ready for bed and lays staring up at the ceiling trying to fall asleep. The clock ticking sounds harsher and she can hear Misato and Pen-Pen snoring away. She grimaces and presses the palms of her hands to her ears harshly enough that all she can hear now is the flow of the blood in her veins and her bones creaking.

It soothes her and she sleeps.

/

“Ikari Shinji.” She sees a flash of blue and then sees herself as a child looking up at someone. She gasps finding herself resting beneath a distorted, groaning ocean and she squints her eyes and struggles not to breathe but eventually loses and inhales only to find that she can breathe. She loses the tension in her muscles and looks up and sees that the sky is a dark gray with sulfur yellow mixed in and thunder and lightning groan and crack overhead. A bit away from her she can hear voices “-loves us! Loves you and me. – loves us so much, remember that.” She frowns trying to hear the name but she can’t, the roar of the oceans too great.

She sees her child self perk up and beam with hope “Really?” she asks in high-pitched mystified awe that someone could love her.

“Yes, - loves us so much, - would do anything for us. – wants us to be happy! Make sure to make – happy!”

The child nods enthusiastically beaming so wide her face almost rips itself in half “I’ll always remember!” she announces proudly, thumping a small hand to her tiny chest as if to make the words seal themselves in her heart.

The child disappears and Shinji jumps when everything turns black as if someone turned off the lights and screams when a pair of bright electric blue eyes glare at her “How could you forget!?”

/

Shinji wakes with a strangled gasp, she clutches her head and barely muffles her scream wildly her eyes scan the room fearful of electric blue eyes that turn red at the last second. All she hears is the sound of her SDAT tape clicking before Shostakovich’s Second Symphony begins playing in her ears. She swallows roughly and curls up onto her side “Did I forget?” she whispers into the night before indecisiveness settles around her like a cloak and she drifts off to sleep dreaming of a figure sitting on the head of statue humming Ode to Joy.

/

“Please Ikari, forgive me. Go ahead and punch me with all your strength, it’s the least I deserve after what I’ve done.”

So she does without a second thought, causing him to spin and fall face first onto the floor and she crouches down by his side. He stares at her with wide eyes and she gives him a smile “Well, as punishment, you could be my friend.” Her smile gains a sad, self-depreciating edge “I’m a really bad friend, so that’d be punishment enough.”

But she sees Kensuke smile at her as he helps Toji up and she toys with the idea that maybe, _maybe_ allowing other people into her heart isn't such a bad thing.

/

She spies Ayanami again and then hears her history with her father. Jealously swells within her. _Why is father kind to her? Why does she smile at father? Why? Why would he raise Ayanami yet abandon me?_

She watches her father smile down at Rei and her hands clench into fists. But just who is she jealous of?

Toji and Kensuke sit next to her at lunch and they talk, filling the silence with their energy and Shinji feels like somehow that energy fills up the holes in her heart.

Sometimes, she doesn’t even look for Ayanami.

/

Shinji stares up at the red Eva and then turns back to the girl in her matching plugsuit. She doesn’t know what to think, is she a friend? Is she an enemy? Surely she must be a friend if they are piloting. Perhaps this girl feels the same way too.

“Who’s the daddy’s boy?” Shinji tenses as Toji cracks his knuckles and Kensuke fixes his glasses, ever present video camera closing. Shinji feels both relieved and anxious, no one knows that she’s a girl. Misato catches her eye and gives her a discreet nod.

Tension ebbs slowly and Shinji gently taps Toji’s ribcage, giving Toji a small smile. It was nice to have someone protect her. Kensuke nears her, his body heat snapping along her arm.

The girl, Asuka, leans in nose brushing his. “Where were you at such a critical moment? A pilot should always be ready! What if an angel were to attack?”

_Too close. Too wrong._ Her skin feels like its crumbling in on itself. The scent of jasmine hits her. _It should be calming._ Shinji feels sick.

/

Asuka is tough as nails. She’s always prepared to fight. She performs like the world is watching, waiting for her to make the first move before following along.

She’s aggressive, more towards that of a bully, and not at all sorry for whose toes she steps on or who she pisses off on her way to the top.

She is beautiful, with beautiful auburn hair and bright sky blue eyes.

But Asuka stomps rather than walks, she refers to herself in a gruff manner and talks to others in a demeaning tone. She is jagged around the edges and underneath that there are more layers of jagged ice, glass, and hell fire. She’s got barbed wires around her heart underneath a fortress of titanium. Her tongue is like a knife to stab and dissect.

Asuka does not walk gracefully, with kindness and demureness. She spits in its very face and stomps over it for good measure.

Shinji does not necessarily like Asuka, quite frankly Asuka’s personality clashes with her own. Shinji is quiet, anxious, and so ridden with insecurities that she thinks others will see them, she needs guidance and a caring hand but also someone who will push her when it is needed. Asuka is loud, angry, and self-righteous. She’s driven and out to own the world that should bow at her feet.

While Shinji wants to find her own little place in the world with help from someone else, Asuka is more than prepared to force and carve her own way regardless of who she hurts.

/

Asuka is not soft. Asuka has never been soft. [She had been once, a very long time ago.]

_A woman with a doll that she adored and a daughter that she hated._

Asuka is hard and tough. [No one gets to hurt people who are hard and tough]. She’ll hurt **everyone else** before they'll ever hurt her.

_The woman strangled her daughter once._

_Told her she hated her and then cuddled her doll._

Asuka is not a doll. Asuka is not (beautiful) like a doll. Asuka is not some _worthless_ doll that someone can throw away when they so please. No, Asuka is a broken doll too damaged for that but she put herself together again. Using fire and hate and her own genius.

Her cockiness, her arrogance are not fronts, they are _hers_. She is confident, she is perfect. She is the **only** unique pilot out there, her Eva is the **only** _official_ type. The others are _just_ prototypes.

A boy once compared Asuka to the sun, burning bright and blinding. She likes it. Everyone loves the sun, everyone needs the sun. They fear the solar flares, they fear the sun imploding and wiping them out in a fiery blaze.

That is Asuka. That is who she aspires to be. Ever bright and burning, capable of striking fear and awe into everyone.

She wants that, she **_needs_** to be that.

If she is that no one will leave her alone until she decides that _she_ doesn't need them anymore. No one can **hurt** the sun, everyone else is hurt **_by_** the sun.

Asuka will show everyone by growing into a beautiful, bright woman capable of striking fear and terror and awe into the hearts of anyone and she will show _her_ that she is worthy of love. That _she_ didn't need anyone  but Asuka. She didn't need that _man_ , didn't need those pills that never worked, and she most certainly didn't need that damned _doll_ that she _cradled_ ever so **lovingly**.

_The woman who loved a doll and hated her daughter decided one day that she no longer wanted to be around._

            _The daughter, sweet and excited, came to find_

_Her mother, that woman swinging from the ceiling like a wind chime._

Asuka kept the doll no matter how much she wanted to burn it. When Asuka proved her worth she would burn that doll in front of her _that_ woman’s grave, right after she burned that _man_ and his _harlot_ alive in front of her grave too.

Asuka feels her teeth ache and her left eye burn and ignores it, just as she ignores the soft murmurs of the Eva and the violent screams that overpower them.

Asuka is alone. She isn't lonely. [She is. always alone. always lonely]

It doesn't bother her. [It **does** ]

She has thousands of friends. [Not a soul]

She doesn't need _that_ woman's love. [She does. she wants her love, desperately. angrily.]

She doesn't need anyone. [She wants someone to look at her and acknowledge her.]

She’s confident. [Is she doing this right? is she perfect? is she...is she good?]

Asuka is good enough, she's perfect! Asuka is better than a damned doll. She is **worthy** of love.

**That**! _That is what she definitely doesn't need!_ Asuka does not need **love**! _Love_ made _that_ woman sick. _Love_ made that disgusting pig of a man seek out a harlot to dry his tears and keep his dick wet. _Love_ destroys everything and leaves behind nothing but broken mirrors and a kid no one wants-

“I don't need something stupid like that.” [Mama, do you love me? Please say that you love me, just _once_. Please. _Please_ mama, just say it once. Say it to me! **Say it to ME!** **Say it to me** _and not that stupid doll! **MAMA! MAMA PLEASE!!!**_ ]

Later that night Asuka stares up at the doll and has it dance to and fro before she looks above at the obnoxiously bright moon before she closes her eyes.

“Mama, am I good enough?” [Why was I never good enough?]

“Mama, do you love me?” (Angry, violent screams penetrate and dance around in her skull just like when she’s alone in her Eva. That woman is always angry.)

But like always that _useless_ woman never answered and Asuka feels more self-loathing curl into her soul and drag her heart deeper into the abyss of rage, bitterness, and ice.

/

Shinji hears whimpering coming from her old room and peeks in seeing Asuka tossing in her bed, Shinji nears her bed and makes out murmured words as she catches the tear stains on Asuka’s pillow.

“Mama, please,” Asuka whispers a sheen of sweat over her brow as she grimaces in pain “just say you love me. Just once.”

Shinji feels like she’s left her body and watches as she nears and places a gentle hand on Asuka’s forehead, the other girl stills but doesn’t awaken. “Asuka, it’s okay.” She hears herself whisper in a soothing manner as she strokes auburn hair back, “You’re okay.”

Shinji feels like she’s settled back into her body when Asuka calms and her tears have dried and she rises to her feet before she quietly exits the room and leans against one of the walls and trembles.

Asuka isn’t different. She’s as broken as Shinji is. [And Shinji will take this secret to her grave if she must.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for everything. I'm happy you like my take on a fem!Shinji.


	4. You Will (Not) Succeed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ayanami!!!” Rei opens her eyes and looks up, red eyes widening when she sees Ikari. Ikari who is a girl not a boy.
> 
> Ikari takes her into her arms and Ayanami is, still, perplexed at why she feels warm and content. She feels. “I promise that my father won’t hurt you anymore. I promise that he won’t ever use you again!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *nervously slides in* Hey... I'm sorry for being gone so long and I sincerely apologize for the quality of this chapter. Now I know you don’t read the authors notes but please read them for this chapter, I need you to know there’s rape between a fourteen-year-old girl and a thirty-year-old man.
> 
> Please skip over that part if it’ll trigger you using CTRL+F the section that begins it says *Skip* and the section ending it says *Skipped*.

[_Greetings from space/I am lost without a trace/ Without a face, number or name_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sgc-Arv9k30)

[ _Here we could stay/ It feels nice to get away/ from all the pain/ The world has gone insane_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sgc-Arv9k30)

/

Ayanami is uncertain of what to make of the Third Child. Unreliable, more prone to running than fighting. A borderline-nihilist. Coward.

Everything that Commander Ikari condemns yet he is also the same. It goes against everything that she has been taught.

Sacrifice yourself to save others. You are replaceable. If you fail, another will take your place and continue from there.

Ikari, the Third Child, seems to want to leave his mark on the world and yet he wants to condemn it at the same time. Stuck between two parallels, neither winning, so he stays and stagnates.

Ayanami likens Ikari to quantum physics: top, bottom, strangeness.

“Ayanami,” Rei looks over at Ikari who has a light blush on his face. Blushes can be caused by nerves, arousal, or embarrassment. Ayanami has never been able to decipher the lesser emotions so she is…unsure as to what Ikari is feeling.

“Would you like to come with us to the aquarium? Kaji-san already gave us permission…”

Ayanami stares at Ikari for a long pause enough to make Ikari take a step back, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push. Come if you can, okay? It’s really okay if you can’t since you have to rest.” Ikari leaves something on the desk near her bedside, gives her a smile and leaves after excusing himself.

“How strange.”

/

The day is unexpected, Ikari’s two friends largely ignore her, for the most part having dubbed her as ‘shy’ and the Second Child is as crass as usual.

Ikari tries to stay close to her and Ayanami stares at the fish in the tank. She is like them, only able to live in a slotted space. Neither being allowed to truly live without dying. Unable to reach out and actively pursue something because what is the point of attempting to form structure if it will all crumble away when she is replaced.

“It’s cramped.”

“They cannot live outside of this tank, they are just like me.”

Ikari stares at her in confusion before his brows furrow, it is not pity that he exudes but curiosity. _Top, bottom, strangeness._ Ikari opens his mouth to say something but decides against it and instead settles by her side and they watch them swim in a never-ending circle.

/

Shinji uncaps the thermos and kneels in front of Ayanami pouring some soup into the cup and presents it to her, all flustered nerves and fragile hope. “Here, this doesn’t have any meat in it.”

Ayanami takes it like Shinji has given her a new puzzle to figure out. She sips at it and she pulls back, and Shinji can only watch with quiet awe and bubbling happiness when Ayanami’s carnelian red eyes gain a shine to them and a not quite there smile tugs at her lips.

“It’s good,” Ayanami says holding the cup closer to her, looking down at her reflection and Shinji feels a sweet elation kissing along her spine and nuzzling her heart as butterflies flutter in her stomach.

She feels out of place and out of order but for a brief matter of minutes, Shinji can feel the cold inside of her disappear much like it does when she’s with Toji and Kensuke.

She glances around, Toji glaring at Pen-Pen and Kensuke talking about his camera with a patient Kaji-san nodding every so often, and Asuka eating and adding her own two cents whenever she deemed it necessary.

And now Ayanami is smiling, gently like the bud of a flower waiting to flourish, and Shinji sits back next to her and watches them all.

The sun is out shining like an ornament to crown this day, the scent of sea salt fills her lungs and Shinji smiles, freely and wonderfully for the first time in what feels like eons.

/

Her cell phone rings one day and Shinji stares at it in surprise, no one calls her barring Toji and Kensuke and they’ve just left so there is no reason for them to call her. Misato is at work and they would know if something was wrong. Asuka would scream at her rather than call her if she was nearby and for the most part, Asuka prefers to ignore that Shinji exists barring mealtimes.

Shinji answers anyway and presses the phone to her ear, “Hello?”

“Shinji-kun?”

Shinji’s eyes widen and her lips twitch, “Sensei! Hello!” She nearly drops her phone when she hears her sensei laugh.

 “I’ve never heard you sound so happy.”

Shinji blinks owlishly. _Happy? I’m happy?_ She thinks about earlier today; Ayanami’s smile, Asuka’s gruff praise. Toji and Pen-Pen fighting over food. Kensuke’s excited babbling. The ocean breeze… _yes. I’m happy._

Shinji begins to talk about her day and she listens to her sensei watching the sunset on the balcony.

She is… okay.

/

There is a spark of blue with white at the center when she lands into water. This time however, she sees the sunlight peeking through the waves. “You’re getting closer.” A gruff angry voice catches her ears and she looks up to see. She screams and covers her eyes as a sharp stabbing pain blares beneath her corneas.

The ocean groans and turns deep red.

She feels millions of eyes on her and when she turns back, a scream bubbles in her throat and dies.

Suddenly as a hand wraps around her throat and chokes her. Bright red eyes stare into her own as a hand is placed above her chest. She feels something respond.

“Remember us!” it speaks and she trembles when the light returns. _The Third Angel!_ “Remember us!” The sky becomes a deep black, thunder and lightning groan and crack overhead ominously. Lightning strikes the water and it vanishes leaving her to breathe.

_“-loves us! Loves you and me. – loves us so much, remember that.”_ She frowns her heart feeling odd as the ocean turns blue again. A spasm and she curls into a ball.

The water contracts crushing her. _Save me! Someone help! HELP!!!_

_“Remember –‘s name, he’ll always be there!”_

Feeling her limbs begin to give way and break as her lungs are being crushed under the strain, Shinji throws her head back and screams. “KAWORU-KUN!!!!”

/

Shinji’s eyes snap open as her body goes ramrod straight, she can’t move. A deep chill penetrates itself into her flesh sinking into her bones. She tries breathing deeply finding that she can only breathe shallowly and she’s not getting enough air in her lungs. She tries calling out for help, eyes widening when not even a groan will escape. She tries flexing her fingers but she can’t move.

Can’t breathe.

The chill is sinking deeper and deeper, nestling further into her soul. Her mind races, thoughts jumbling together at a frightening speed. _“Remember –‘s name, he’ll always be there!”_ She doesn’t know the name, has never even heard of it. But…

**‘Kaworu-kun…’**

The chill disappears leaving her with a deep, weary exhaustion and aching bones. She struggles to shift onto her side and manages to get onto the floor and she sleeps as Chopin’s Nocturne Op. 2 No. 2 begins to play in her ears.

She wonders why she likes Ayanami so much, why she must form a connection with her, it’s a question that she’s asked herself at different times but she can never truly develop an answer. Ayanami is strange, much like a rag doll in a room full of porcelain dolls. Like a somber corner in a bright and cheery room. Ayanami did not fit into any mold or in any group.

Shinji smiles, broken bitterness at the core when she realizes that she cannot differentiate between herself and Ayanami.

 

/

"How can I trust someone who abandoned me?” Bitterness heavy on her tongue and yet it stretched further than that, wrapping around her almost like a cloak.

The slap stings far more than it should. Shinji touches her cheek and stares at Ayanami’s small frame as she continues walking away.

Shinji can feel her eyes burn and anger kiss and nip at her when her father’s image is transposed onto Ayanami.

_Why do you keep abandoning me?_ the child within her screams.

_Why do you keep running away?_ She wants to ask.

She opens her mouth to say something, anything heedless of what might come out but it’s useless. Ayanami is gone, taking with her the chance to demand and answer from the image of her father.

Loneliness and abandonment, her unwanted companions remain by her side heavy bodies on her shoulders.

/

Rei is… alive.

She is alive. [a doll cannot possess the will to live. A puppet cannot possess the will to live.]

She has a soul. (half of one)

She is… aloof.

Inside of Rei there is a soul and she has a heart. She has read enough books to know that those two things are enough to classify one as a living _thing_ but Ikari often looks at her and asks if she _likes_ something. She has never known the word. To like.

What would it be like to actually form an attachment to something and for it to stay?

Ayanami stares at her wall. _Top. Bottom. Strangeness in the center._ She has long since learned to never truly form attachments. [You are replaceable.] Ayanami catches the glimpse of moonlight hitting _those_ glasses. Her heart gives a particularly painful thump.

Does she truly _like_ the Commander? He is the one who tells her that she is replaceable, he is the one she listens to most often. The commander. Gendo. Gendo Ikari. Gendo Ayanami.

She feels her face flush and places a hand to her cheek hearing the faint echo of a slap and brings her hand to her face. The burning in her face caused by the sudden rush of blood fading. “Ikari-kun.” Ikari Shinji, son of Ikari Gendo and Ikari Yui. She knows that the Commander dislikes talking of him, dislikes recalling the boy’s existence.

**_“How can I trust someone who abandoned me?”_ **

The sound of the slap echoes in her mind again and she stares at her hand. She’s been informed that when a human strikes another there is often an action. The other either cries or strikes back or runs away. Ikari-kun had merely stared at her before ducking her head and showing an odd smile. [Bitterness. Resignation.]

Ikari-kun had not done anything, had merely marched towards the doors slid her new personnel card through and left it there.

She… _felt_ _something_. She did not understand what it was. (Regret? Confusion?)

She is human because she can feel. [but feel what?] she is human because she has a soul. [half a soul is not a soul.]

Rei lays on her stomach and listens to her thoughts and detaches herself.

/

“Shinji-kun?”

Shinji looks up blinking owlishly at the boy, whose face is shadowed yet his smile and kind eyes are visible. Her heart thuds painfully and she rests a hand on her chest, “Are you alright, Shinji-kun?”

Her face warms and he extends his hand a soft laugh escaping him, “Come with me, Shinji-kun.”

Shinji feels herself smile and she extends her hand, centimeters before she can take his hand she screams in horror when he is decapitated.

Shinji sits up and cradles her head, inhale for seven counts and exhale for six. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat until calm. She looks down at her hands clenching and unclenching them. ‘Ask Ayanami-san, she’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.’

That playful look and smile, that _something_ in his eyes. His warmth and laughter.

Shinji feels her face flush and she shudders. Inhale for seven counts. Exhale for six. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

She’ll ask Ayanami later.

She has to.

/

When she dreams once more, Shinji finds herself on the blue ocean floor staring up as the sunlight streamed through.

There was nothing around her and she didn’t need to breathe. It was comforting just sitting here and letting everything slip away. Shinji gasps and winces clutching her chest, something pulls at her. _Tug, tug it back._

Shinji focuses on tugging and tugs and finally she hears a shattering noise. She looks back and sees a boy who looks like her. He’s different; gruff around the edges with a scowl on his face and a band-aid across his nose.

“Let me guess, you’re Shinji too.”

Shinji stares up at him before she stands and this Shinji Two sputters. “What’s wrong?”

Shinji Two shakes his head and sighs “Nothing,” he says flippantly before crossing his arms “why did you pull me here?”

“You were tugging at me!” Shinji says hands fisting at her side and Shinji Two raises a brow. “Do you know about the silver haired boy?”

His eyes widen and he takes a step back “Why the hell would I know anything about that weirdo!?”

Shinji steps up to him feeling a smile take over her face “Please, tell me about Kaworu-kun!”

Shinji Two balks and crosses his arms “No.”

Shinji stares at him in disappointment before she gets angry and shouts, he responds by shouting and then he pushes her.

Her back meets the ground painfully and instead of giving in to the tears that sting the back of her eyes; she gives into anger getting up and lunging at her male double. “Tell me about him!”

A punch to the nose, an elbow to the jaw. Hair pulling, biting. Her forehead crashes against the other Shinji’s and she tries to strangle him and he flips her. He’s straddling her and he has his hands around her throat, she responds by trying to stick her thumb into his eye socket.

“I killed him!”

Silence descends and Shinji is submerged in the ocean losing sight of the other who remains standing on the surface.

/

Shinji doesn’t have the courage ask Ayanami if she knows the boy with silver hair and bright garnet colored eyes.

***Skip***

A day passes and then another before Shinji finally decides to ask Ayanami about Kaworu and she warily makes her way towards the derelict buildings that Ayanami lived in. She knocks and hears nothing before worry decides to unfurl. _What if Ayanami was hurt? What if someone snuck in and hurt her?_ “what if”s began to bounce in her skull and she could nearly feel their attempt to seep out of her skin and finally she makes her way inside.

Her eyes widen as she stares at Ayanami, on her back gasping and wincing as her father thrusts into her. Ayanami then reaches towards her father’s face and brushes her fingertips against his temple. Shinji watches as her father sobs out her mother’s name. Frigid tremors cause her shoulders to shake.

She feels disgusted like she needs to gouge her eyes out and skin herself.

Her father thrusts once then twice and shudders, calling her mother’s name before he collapses on top of Ayanami, panting and pressing kisses to her face.

Shinji steps back covering her mouth before she turns and breaks off into a run. She makes it one block and then another before she finally gives into her nausea. It burns as her wretched mind replays the action. Ayanami who was so lonely and her father who was a cold, unfeeling man. How dare he betray her mother’s memory—how dare he use Ayanami!?

Shinji continues to dry heave and clutches her stomach. Disgusting. Ugly. Indecent. Monster.

Her eyes glow electric green. “How disgusting.”

***Skipped***

“It has begun.”

“So, she is the next Mother.”

“Mother? You mean the next Whore of Babylon-”

“Will she not become the next Messiah?”

“Cease such heresy! The child of Ikari is a woman and therefore she holds no place in our plan!”

 “The Adam Child-”

Keel Lorenz stares down at the screen “Adam returns solely for Lilith; to conquer her.” Silence. “To right the Original Sin, we must achieve Instrumentality. A woman incapacitated the true seed and therefore a woman must activate it.”

“A woman, Lorenz? Ikari’s child-”

“Is the _most_ unstable and Adam is drawn to her inexplicably. Either Adam will _crown_ her the next Primordial Mother or he will crown her the Whore of Babylon and cast her away to achieve Instrumentality.”

“And if she is the next Messiah?”

“A woman cannot possibly be the next Messiah.” Keel feels his lips twitch an old, forgotten sensation. “Adam will bring us to Instrumentality, SEELE will no longer be needed afterward.”

“God’s in his heaven, all’s right with the world.”

“What shall we tell Commander Ikari?”

“Nothing, as he has kept his silence, so shall we.”

/

Ayanami is in danger. _I won’t let her be like Asuka!_

Shinji ignores all else, feeling like there are threads tightening into a noose around her neck. Whether to strangle her or make her a puppet, she isn’t sure. Shinji enters the cockpit of the EVA and watches as the angel eats Ayanami.

She snarls, eyes turning red and she launches herself into battle. Only one being would survive the battle, and Shinji has no intention of losing.

“Give me back Ayanami.”

/

“Ayanami!!!” Rei opens her eyes and looks up, red eyes widening when she sees Ikari. Ikari who is a girl not a boy.

Ikari takes her into her arms and Ayanami is, still, perplexed at why she feels warm and content. She **_feels_**. “I promise that my father won’t hurt you anymore. I promise that he won’t ever use you again!”

There is an unfamiliar stinging in the back of her eyes and a foreign tightness in her throat but she isn’t being strangled. And Rei decides to ignore it and focus on being held. Warm. Content. Safe. She wants to keep feeling this way. She doesn’t feel the permanent chill her body usually feels or the numbness. She wants to keep feeling this way, forever.

If she becomes one with Ikari-kun, she will always feel this way. _I want to become one. I always want to feel this way_. Ikari. Ayanami. Rei. Shinji. “ _I’m sorry.”_ She whispers fearing that she will break the comforting silence, that Ikari will leave her once she realizes that she is truly empty inside. [Half a soul. Replaceable.]

Her vision becomes glassy and wavers. Tears. (Tears, humans produce tears out of happiness, out of sadness, they are produced out of frustration as well). She feels a tightness in her chest and her skin burns underneath. Shame. Embarrassment.

She feels Ikari nuzzle her temple and feels the smile that crosses the others' lips, oddly affectionate. “Don’t be sorry. It’s alright Ayanami, I’ve got you. _Forever_.”

Her eyes widen again and the tears fall. And for the first time, Ayanami feels like another human being.

A small, elated smile appears on her face as another set of tears escape. _Forever_ , her mind chants. _Forever_ , her core sings. _Forever_.

“Always.” She croaks out feeling her core begin to resonate in her chest attempting to synchronize with Ikari’s. She nuzzles back feeling the warmth inside of her expand.

_Always._

**_Always_**.

**_Al_** -

A lance breaks through their connection piercing her and Ikari and Ayanami feels her body melt away. She extends a hand towards Ikari who has fallen unconscious. Her fingers dissolve before she can brush Ikari’s cheek.

Rei wills herself to encompass Ikari, never allowing the _other_ presence near. Rei will watch over Ikari and keep her safe, like the moon in the night until the sun rises and destroys the peace.

Knowing that she will be able to continue protecting Ikari, Rei pretends she and Ikari are wrapped in each other. Holding hands and their foreheads pressed together. Asleep. Untroubled.

Ayanami imagines staring at Ikari’s face and lifting a hand up cupping Ikari’s cheek, remembering the words Ikari said when she came to save her. _“I’ll protect you too, my dear friend.”_

She gasps when her form returns faintly and her face warms when Ikari places her hand over hers before bringing Ayanami so close that she can feel her breath along her cheek. “Forever, Rei-chan.”

Ikari puts their foreheads together and smiles, Ayanami feels her eyes burn again and she closes her eyes and smiles wide. She feels like her chest is going to explode, and for a moment she feels real.

Ayanami dissolves again, warm and elated around Ikari, and dreams for the first time.

_[“Ikari-kun, what does it mean to be friends?”_

_Ikari stares at her in confusion, before she smiles, “I think it’s forming a close bond with someone. You don’t like the same things but you are happy when your friend is happy, you have fun with them, and you always want to see them happy.”_

_Ayanami stares at Ikari before tilting her head, “Are you my friend?”_

_Ikari stares at her in shock before she giggles “Of course, Ayanami!”]_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize and will see myself out.


End file.
